Title: "Transitor"
Author: Kate Bolin
Pairing: Sirius Black/James
What's Wrong With It:
Rating: K
bowlooranges Rating: LR


Disclaimer: This entire critique is for entertainment purposes only. For those of you who don't understand that we suggest you go to the doctor and remove the stick from your arse, and if you wrote it then we suggest mental help because we certainly needed it after reading it. The idea for doing such sporking of fanfictions was inspired by the lovely people at deu_sex_machina and the term sporking is borrowed from grammar/canon nazis everywhere. If anyone wants to read this text in it's full form please let us know by emailing us. We're not sure if we have a right to rape these fanfics with our destructive critisism, but if they're allowed to suck we should be allowed to say it. STOP RAPING CANON!

((Narcissa Black has recently found out about Sirius Black's (whom she denies all relation to) solo-spork and wished to do one on her own. She proceeded to throw such a hissy fit that Sirius Black and James Potter shoved her in the nearest broom closet. She transfigures the trunks and other items into more suitable decor for her new place of operation and sits down with the new story.))

Narcissa: I think they thought they were doing themselves a favor. However I just get paid for the overtime. *chuckles* Well, today I have been presented with an absolutely delicious opportunity to spork without the lessers around. Let's begin, shall we?

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Title: "A Full Moon to Remember"
Author: Crazy4luv007
Pairing: Sirius Black/James Potter AND Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, boy Sirius really gets around, huh?
What's Wrong With It:
Rating: K+
bowlooranges Rating: S


Disclaimer: This entire critique is for entertainment purposes only. For those of you who don't understand that we suggest you go to the doctor and remove the stick from your arse, and if you wrote it then we suggest mental help because we certainly needed it after reading it. The idea for doing such sporking of fanfictions was inspired by the lovely people at deu_sex_machina and the term sporking is borrowed from grammar/canon nazis everywhere. If anyone wants to read this text in it's full form please let us know by emailing us. We're not sure if we have a right to rape these fanfics with our destructive critisism, but if they're allowed to suck we should be allowed to say it. STOP RAPING CANON!

((The Peanut Gallery (meaning Sirius) has decided that her was far too sloshed to go to bed right now and as the rest of his "bum buddies", as Lily has taken to calling them, have already fallen asleep he decided to spork. Tonight this lovely little assembly is coming to you from inside of the Gryffindor boys' shower stall as Sirius enjoys the echoes that it makes. Sirius currently has his feet pressed against the glass of the stall and his back against the tile as he's realized that sixteen year old boys were not meant to be cramped in such small spaces.))

Sirius: This is going to look really wrong if any one decides to use the loo at three o'clock in the morning... Anyways, the reason why you all are going to be forcefully cramped into the place where us boys shower and relieve ourselves -- please don't wet yourself you crazy fangirls you, is because in Remus's research for bad fic he stumbled across this and I couldn't resist. Ideally, I would be waiting until James was awake as this pertains to him as well, but I'm far far far far far tooooo awake. Word to the wise -- Five fire whiskeys and two barmaids are not a good idea. Okay -- Onto the sporking!

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Title: "The Marauder's of the Phoenix"
Author: Poppy Cotton of Underhill
Pairing: Absolutely nobody, unless you read into the whole "Marauder's Promise!" thing.
What's Wrong With It: Everything. Grammar. Punctuation. Canon. It's basically an eye-sore.
Rating: K+
bowlooranges Rating: J


Disclaimer: This entire critique is for entertainment purposes only. For those of you who don't understand that we suggest you go to the doctor and remove the stick from your arse, and if you wrote it then we suggest mental help because we certainly needed it after reading it. The idea for doing such sporking of fanfictions was inspired by the lovely people at deu_sex_machina and the term sporking is borrowed from grammar/canon nazis everywhere. If anyone wants to read this text in it's full form please let us know by emailing us. We're not sure if we have a right to rape these fanfics with our destructive critisism, but if they're allowed to suck we should be allowed to say it. STOP RAPING CANON!

((The Peanut Gallery has decided to meet on the quidditch pitch this evening for tonight's sporking. James claims he wants some fresh air. Lily enters first and sits in the stands, followed immediately by Remus. Narcissa trudges along and refuses to sit on the Gryffindor side, she sits two stands down in the Slytherin section. James and Sirius fly in, doing a few turns and tricks on their brooms. Lily rolls her eyes, and Remus waves his wands, the brooms come to a stop and the boys have to scream a spell to keep from crashing. They join the others in the stand.))



James: Narcissa, you can't sit there.
Naricissa: Can so.
James: Cannot.
Narcissa: Can so.
Remus: As intelligent as this banter sounds, Narcissa if you stay there you won't get paid.
Narcissa: *runs over and sits down*
Sirius: Of all people here, why does she get to be the one getting paid?
Lily: If she wasn't paid I'm sure she would have hexed you by now, really, it's all for your benefit.
Sirius: ... I could take her.
Lily: I'm sure you could, but right now we need to focus on why people insist on destroying the perfection of the English language.

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Title: "Support"
Author: Kavi Leighanna
Pairing: James/Lily
What's Wrong With It: The entire premise of the story is far-fetched, there is a disregard for canon rules that aren't even just hinted at in JK Rowling's works but flat out said in the books.
Rating: R
bowlooranges Rating: J


Disclaimer: This entire critique is for entertainment purposes only. For those of you who don't understand that we suggest you go to the doctor and remove the stick from your arse, and if you wrote it then we suggest mental help because we certainly needed it after reading it. The idea for doing such sporking of fanfictions was inspired by the lovely people at deu_sex_machina and the term sporking is borrowed from grammar/canon nazis everywhere. If anyone wants to read this text in it's full form please let us know by emailing us. We're not sure if we have a right to rape these fanfics with our destructive critisism, but if they're allowed to suck we should be allowed to say it. STOP RAPING CANON!

((Today the Peanut Gallery has been upgraded from the abandonned classroom to the Charms Classroom which has generously been lent to us by Professor Flitwick. James Potter enters first, holding up an old piece of parchment, realizing he's being watched, he taps his wand to it and folds it into his pocket. James sits down in a desk as Sirius drags his feet into the classroom, Remus pushes him to move but ultimately just walks around him and takes the seat in front of James, Sirius sits besides James as Lily Evans enters. Sirius jabs James and gestures for him to stop drooling. Narcissa Black is the last one to enter, a young Hufflepuff girl is carrying all of her belongings and sets them up neatly on a desk while Narcissa transfigures another desk into her signature green chair.))

Remus: We're back!
Sirius: Oh joy.
James: Thought you got rid of us didn't you? Oi, Narcissa what's with the girl?
Narcissa: Girl? *looks at Hufflepuff* Oh that. You're done now...Run along... *girl cowers* Scram! *exit Hufflepuff*
Lily: That's sad and wrong.
Narcissa: Listen, I'm only here because now I'm being paid double, besides I hear you get bloodied up in this one, Mudblood.
James: You're derranged.
Narcissa: And you think your hair looks good when you mess it up like that, obviously we all have our quirks.
Lily: Anyway, back to the task at hand. In this story we're going to see what happens in a world lacking logic and canon when James Potter molests me during a moment of vulnerability.
James: Apparently I'm only trying to help!
Remus: Wait- everyone, where's Peter?
James: Sirius locked him in a broom closet.
Sirius: He looked at me funny again.
Remus: Right...well, let's begin.

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Title: "Happy Birthday, Remus Lupin"
Author: Draconn Malfoy
Pairing: Remus Lupin/Sirius Black
What's Wrong With It: Please view the pairing, also there are certain things about werewolf neutering as well. Basically we think this is a good place to get our feet wet with this and figure there's enough wrong with this to get a feel for where we want to go.
Rating: PG-13
bowlooranges Rating: SB


Disclaimer: This entire critique is for entertainment purposes only. For those of you who don't understand that we suggest you go to the doctor and remove the stick from your arse, and if you wrote it then we suggest mental help because we certainly needed it after reading it. The idea for doing such sporking of fanfictions was inspired by the lovely people at deu_sex_machina and the term sporking is borrowed from grammar/canon nazis everywhere. If anyone wants to read this text in it's full form please let us know by emailing us. We're not sure if we have a right to rape these fanfics with our destructive critisism, but if they're allowed to suck we should be allowed to say it. STOP RAPING CANON!



((Unlike the lovely people at deu_sex_machina we can not afford a theater, therefore we currently hold our meetings in an abandoned classroom in half-broken desks that the caretaker has yet to repair. Remus Lupin enters first, holding a few books he places them on one desk, forcing it to collapse, he sits takes out his wand and repairs it. He is followed by Lily Evans, she is holding a notebook and sits neatly in a fairly well kept desk. Sirius Black and James Potter enter, James watches Lily out of the corner of his eye while both sit at terrible desks, using the ones in front of them as footrests. Peter Pettigrew shuffles in behind all of them, his eyes to the ground, the little lump of a boy sits in a desk next to James'. Narcissa Black is the last to enter, she not only repairs a desk but transfigures it into an extremely comfortable looking chair that is green and embroidered with the Slytherin house crest.))
James: Who invited you?
Narcissa: I was paid.
Lily: Why didn't I think to transfigure a chair? *sigh* Can we get this over with? I'm too close to Potter.
Remus: Well this is exciting! We're here for our first critique! Apparently this one is about my birthday...
Sirius: And your neutering
Remus: ...
Narcissa: Maybe this was worth it.






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